Back from my mom's abode and facing the pc again. It's not raining, but im shivering inside. Emotions that I cannot express are cartwheeling inside my chest and tummy. I want to laugh and cry at the same time. My fingers are stiff from these tumultuous feelings and my feet are cold.
I'm not the best partner in the world, I know. And certainly I'm not getting the "most romantic lover" award for the 2009. But when I love...I really love. And so when I hurt...I really get hurt.
I am scared to give myself wholly, he may not take care of it. I might be left with nothing when he leaves me. I anticipate rejection even before I open myself to the other. And all it takes is one serious mistake. One stupidity. One carelessness to burst my fantasy bubble. I always compare my relationships (be it romantic or not) to crystal glasses.When the glass breaks, you can always try to piece it up together...but it will never be the same. If it breaks, it breaks...and you get a new one.
I find it useless to risk cutting myself patching a sharp broken glass back together again...You cannot do it anyway...with tears in your eyes and numb fingers...with deafening silence that cuts your heart in two...what can you do with a tired soul and a bleeding heart? nothing. Not one useful thing.
Every time I tell friends that are not from Davao that fireworks are banned here, I always get a disbelief reaction.
Oh well, it might sound strange but severed fingers and appendages due to stupid miscalculation of whether "to throw now or not" and "to throw where" (the deym firework) is just not part of the party plan here.
We get zero dismembered limbs from judas belt -->one of the most powerful firecrackers I've heard of. If you are unfamiliar with it...it looks like a long belt with strings of small powder wrapped in a cute way. With more than a hundred cute packets of sulfur in a string that goes off endlessly once you've light it up.
It is quite obvious that the genius who made this type of "disaster" is familiar with the "domino effect". However, in this case, instead of pushing the dominoes, you light the firecracker...and so it goes until it ends. It won't stop to see if you have severed a finger or two... If you stupidly wrapped it in your neck for a fur-like effect, it won't pause to even look at your head blow off...and it might not even be over when your head hits the ground. It follows no other schedule aside from its own. It will not apologize for dismembering any part of your body. Chances are, it might sue you for being there and possibly softening its effect because it had to hit your appendage or head. It will not forgive anti-climax factors...like you. Holidays are supposed to be a blast...It frowns on such... If you are...you will suffer.
If you hate your life -- arrange it with this dude. He will gladly end it for you...festively...don't forget to shout merry chrismas, ok.
If you hate your life and your neighbor -- this dude will make sure your neighbor feels it...You blow yourself near the hated neighbors' yards...pieces of your flesh will go to their private spaces...and believe me, another sight of fresh meat will make them puke even if they change houses after. Who knows, your flesh, pound by pound...so fresh in their eyes, might turn them into eternal vegetarians...Fish may not be included in their future menu even. That is one point for you... Sad thing is...you can only do it once...well if you blow yourself piece by piece, maybe it is possible to do it alot of times...or you can gather all your enemies in one boat when you do it...make them eat ice cream...make sure they are licking it from their cones when you do this "blowing" thing. Open mouths is better than open yards right?
or plan a party...offer sushi. Hehe.
Ok. I will stop. This is morbid and I am smiling too much -- which is sick. Oh well...Merry Christmas everyone ^.^
I don't know how to love him. What to do, how to move him. I've been changed, yes really changed. In these past few days, when I've seen myself, I seem like someone else. I don't know how to take this. I don't see why he moves me. He's a man. He's just a man. And I've had so many men before, In very many ways, He's just one more. Should I bring him down? Should I scream and shout? Should I speak of love, Let my feelings out? I never thought I'd come to this. What's it all about? Don't you think it's rather funny, I should be in this position. I'm the one who's always been So calm, so cool, no lover's fool, Running every show. He scares me so. I never thought I'd come to this. What's it all about? Yet, if he said he loved me, I'd be lost. I'd be frightened. I couldn't cope, just couldn't cope. I'd turn my head. I'd back away. I wouldn't want to know. He scares me so. I want him so. I love him so.
