chaos, the universe, and i

The complexities

what's the difference between the universe and I?

at a glance, the universe and i look look chaotic.

Let me correct that. It is true, that the universe and I stay to look chaotic even if you stare at us for an hour or so. And we will remain to do so for the rest of your life, if you dare to just look for the rest of your life.

the underlying order in the existing chaotic way I live my life, is the same to the system the universe is using. The silent relationship of give and take that's happening between me and the cosmos is something I have yet to deeply understand, but only now do I see it unfolding as I unfold.

You see, I am a woman who loves to study other people and their personalities, not to make fun of them -- but because I find it interesting how differently people react to the same thing we all have and this one thing we all share -- it's what we call life and world.

I easily catch manners and detect abnormalities in the situation. A certain look passed between two people. a certain smile, a certain reply...I can easily spot the not in a situation in terms of human relations. That's why I don't ask...I assume...this is a game i play silently with other people...hmmm what is he up to now?

Being alive means many things for everybody and the world can be as colorful or can be as desaturated -- depending upon one's perspective.The composition of my thoughts and action and its relevance to my life and decisions are strings not available for others to scrutinize unless I opened it up for anybody to criticize. The private me is a certain show I rarely put on stage.

I am not terrified of being scrutinized but I find it irrelevant and inconsequential. Little did I know, this is a product of me being scared to test my capabilities. One example is that, If someone gives me a project, I can deliver it, more than what is expected. I can spearhead it for the other person, plan it according to what he may want, act on it according to his tastes and preference...Ask me to lead even a small team for a project that originally came from me, my knees buckle and i call in sick. i will change that. soon.

anyway, one person commented on how i look scattered. I was about to say the same thing about him too... except that he believes otherwise... He know what he wants and what he is doing...just as I know what I want and what I am doing...

His need to re-arrange my life according to what he can understand, is a need he must do, not for me, but for himself. This need if he acted on it, will benefit him, he will begin to see me flawlessly as I strut in this life. However, I will feel broken. His order is my chaos, just as my order is his. The perfection of the moment I am experiencing can only be perfect in its perfect sense to me, others may try to understand, other may actually understand a little, but never will they look at it the way i see it.

Just as the unverse chaotically choose to exist, my chaos is partly a result of a certain system relaive to my existence and also partly an acquired choice.

No one needs to understand it not even me, just as no one needs to understand yours. There are somethings that we must answer to socially. The community requires the individual to do so,however, the creativity of one's life as one lives it is beyond time and space. And so if you see me jumping up and down the bed, you don't need to know the reason why...just join in if you feel it's fun ^.^

a more refine post on this one when I wake up. *tsup!