Looking at my archive, it seems as if I only posted one entry for the month of April. Oh well, it was a busy month...a stressful busy one. I will be updating this blog baby often too. I need the therapy. I can feel my neurons short circuiting not because of overload. Waaaahhh.... I feel like I'm in the middle of a not so sturdy bamboo raft in the middle of a gushing river. Holding my breath and keeping my mind blank -- too scared to even think of a single word for the fear that the weight of it will make the raft sink...a bad case on my part...I am a bad swimmer...in fact, I don't know how to swim at all. I'll learn the virtue of combing my hair first before I start to learn complicated stuff.
Patience is also another thing I must learn to love -- reminding myself not to be irritated by the smallest matters like the endless ringing of my phone, the constant reminder to not be late, or the repetitive monologue of somebody who wants to get his points clear and to release the stress due to an impending 'puke attack' is something i have to live with everyday. I am not a cheery person, although some would disagree...believe me, see me in my own corner, working, oblivious to the world, the happy colors just fade away -- and if you ever try to disturb me while I'm in the midst of an important task, I can assure you, you'll get a growl as a response.
I am not moody though -- being moody has to do with changing one's "feel" for the day. I don't change moods, my brows are constantly knitted. Maybe, one of the reason is that, I live in this, oh so, isolated part of the city, where the taxi is a phonecall away but an eternity to wait for... a heart attack is most likely to come by before a taxi crosses your path. And when one comes, expect competition -- tons of it.
It's better to walk. It exercises your mind -- it makes you think murderous thoughts due to your present predicament, and it's good for the heart too...
My best solution for this, though, is to never go out. And believe me, it works. Just be sure to have phone credits or net connection, and yes, don't forget the cable. Never mind the food. A human being can go by a week without water and months without food... Good thing air is free -- even if you fart too much, there will be lots and lots for everybody...for now. So there, kill your social life, and you'll see the blank walls in your room beome alive... in the coming weeks, you'll start to see things... you'll start to hear strange noises (someone calling your name even if there is nobody there)...Unless your name is Barbara, there is nothing to be scared of. Even Spiritual entities will be too amused to see how long you can endure this regimen, expect them to bet whether you'll overcome this or not. If you start to see the tables dance, or a dead loved one rising from the kettle steam as it whistles -- don't worry, that dead loved one is not real... it's just hallucination due to starvation and isolation. It's practically normal for someone to see and hear things when you are alone and hungry.
Soon you'll start to talk to yourself and hear it answer too! you'll notice (if you still can) that you are more alert and that you have gained super strength and speed.
It's normal. Do not be afraid. Nothing weird is happening, you are just losing your mind.