Thursday, July 16, 2009

long distance relationships

Long distance relationships is not is a challenge.

It happens when crazed-and-intimately-attached- lovers decided to be in a binding relationship regardless of the existing endless water and mass of earth sitting like a plump fairy between them. But this plump fairy is not very accommodating with wishes, it is hard as a rock, deep as the abyss, and frigidly cold as that raw meat in the freezer.

It doensn't let you cross it for free. Arline tickets and cruise packages are extremely expensive that the word "filthy rich" and "robbery" comes to mind often.

It won't even let your voice pass without a fee.
It has numerous toll gates.Conflicting bodies of government.And landmines waiting for some fool to play with it.

Not to mention warring parties with deadly nuclear weapons that can destroy the earth 7 times. Duh. You can only destroy the earth once. Once it blow, everything disintegrates rendering the other 6 useless... hoookay? well if , and only if, by some miracle everything disintegrates and the 6 remained intact, nobody will be alive then to miraculously push the button of destruction once again.

The END-OF-THE-WORLD episode of our lives can only happen once, and its so absolute that nobody will be left to say "Bravo! Magnifico! that blow really blew me!". So let me tell it in advance to the genius, whoever he/she may be, wherever he/she may be located.

"congratulations for making sure everybody die an equal death, may we all rest in peace"

With all these lunatics between us, storms and climate changes, taxes and VATs, not to mention wild animals on the prowl, both four and two-legged...long distance relationships become a rock-climbing, off-road expedition of mixed emotions and frustrations that sends us crashing head on.

And so, lovers' break down because others just break away.

But does distance really have to do with it?

I've seen couples not torn by different timezones and geographical obstacles act as if they have a black hole existing between them. One can be so near yet so out of reach at the same time.

But blame it to the world becauase the world doesn't complain.
Never mind that our pride is more difficult to climb than its highest mountain.
Never mind that we become fickle minded, swaying more than the wind that courses through the trees.
Never mind that our anger is far more bitter than the storm that wrecks the fields.
Never mind that our eyes wander like a stranger sometimes.
Never mind that we sometimes take the slightest offense as a mock reason to create an impenetrable wall to those closest to us.
Never mind that we sometimes create our own world where no one is allowed to set foot upon.
Never mind that we sometimes wage an invisible battle where enemies are meant to lose no matter what.

Blame it to the world because it can only whistle its heartaches.
because its rain drowns its pains and tears.
because it survived the weathering changes of time, making it even stronger and beautiful as lovers continue to grow apart.

Yes, blame the world as our madness takes us to the edge of sanity as we collectively create and destroy cities in the name of pride and love.

But if you really want to test your capacity to endure a long distance relationship, be a priest.
Submit yourself to the "holy marriage" that requires absolute obedience and fidelity.

Where your partner is omnipotent that sneaking out to party at night and going home with a lame excuse of overtime will be just that, LAME.

And arguments are out of the question.

So jealous that being everywhere is not even enough that spies and assassins in the form of demons and angels are being sent and instructed to remind you of your sins with visions of hell to instill fear in your heart.

A partner that neither believes in telephones nor customer service.
A partner you cannot woe with chocolates and flowers.
A Partner that you cannot shout at (well, you can always try).

A Partner you cannot stand to lose.

Where communication will always be like an exercise of patience because it's like being on hold forever with intermittent flashes of light to daze you with constant subtle reminders and threats of hell sung in a melody of a song that is longer than "stairway to heaven" to keep you company while you wait for the operator to come.

It is not a long distance relationship -- it is an impossibility-made-possible relationship.

Where distance does not only exist, but another plane of reality stands in the middle of it all. This time the fairy is far more cruel in its collection of taxes. Where you pay with your everything including your sanity.

And unlike the plump fairy called THE WORLD, it will only allow you to point your finger towards yourself --blaming your imperfect existence is the only option.

Bummer if God doesn't really exist.
Double bummer if he does and you committed adultery.

Friday, July 03, 2009

murky waters

I find myself thinking about the brown muddy water one finds on a clay ground after a bashful of rain. I do not want to dwell on the reason why I suddenly felt the impulse of thinking such weird thoughts... as I am more pre-occupied of the feelings it creeps inside me whenever a picture of a puddle returns to mind.

No, I am not easily put off by dirt and nor do I squirm when I see mud. There have been times when the warmth of the wet earth between my toes soothed my aching feet and calmed my bruised soul as I faced an endless road with only my thoughts to keep me company. Where my companions are also busy keeping their shaky spirit sturdy as they wipe their brows with the back of their hand.

The thoughts of those long walk makes me smile and sigh at the same time. But the mud between my feet were alies... friend to the weary traveller... comforter of battered thighs and weathered bodies...

The golden color of the earth as it squish between my toes changes hues and everytime I try to look at my feet, I see more of the mud than of the flesh I am made of. But ashes to ashes, dust to dust -- or so the saying goes...aren't we all, in one form or another, as muddy and as dirty? just like the earth we step on?

When we take our last breath and our carcass thrown to the ground... after the last rite symbolizing our return to the womb of mother nature, don't we all crumble to become the same dust and mud we walk on? are we not every bit earthy as every bit of soil that makes up the earth we live in?

and so I tell myself, why feel uncomfortable of the thought of a muddy puddle?

I don't know.

It is one of those moments where we feel something we cannot explain. I bet you also had that experience of just feeling something strange,
like being happy without a reason,
feeling fear without knowing why,
feeling uncomfortable when there is no obvious reason to be so...
and you just do...
You don't ask why...
sometimes, you don't even stop to acknowledge the feeling...
happened so suddenly... so fast, that it throws you on a wheeling spree of emotions that only you could understand because YOU feel it.

But you understand and you don't understand at the same time. Coz you can't seem to find the right words to explain it... You cannot assign a language to verbalize it. And every attempt to verbally reconstruct that feeling you cannot explain always end in find it to be a feeble move...for to bottle something that is fusing profusely, knotting you almost is physical discomfort, even to the brink of bottle something that makes you wanna just an impossibility...
and so you end up frustrated. You feel alienated from the people you want to share it with. Misunderstood by the few who tried to reach out... Everyone feeling disappointed and useless.

And so when you feel that confusing mixture of feelings, that cartwheeling emotions that threatens to destroy your little comfortable bubble... you tend to keep quiet.
Lost in your own thoughts. Drowned in your silence. Overwhelmed by the experience... Regretting your inability to patch others in the moment. Disappointed how they cannot get to you.
You feel alone but not lonely.
You become tired but somewhat satisfied.
You become fearful, because the unknown always bring the fear in us.
Surprises, good or bad,and that uncertainty of feeling and not feeling, knowing and not knowing, living and not existing. Of being fearful and intrigued, of being bashed and battered and feeling satisfied despite of it all, always make our hearts jump.

Just as the muddy water and the thought of it splashing as a pair of feet steps on it makes me hold my breath, I find myself bathed in this crazy experience of finding and not finding -- not that I know what it is that I am not looking for in the first place.

A splash of mixed and construed emotions that makes me want to run for the fear of being mad. But for sure, I haven't lost my mind (or have i?)...although, it is a possibility that it was my mind who have lost me.

Incapable of understanding the moment I am in and the experience I find myself swimming in the middle of, could it be that it decided to leave me behind to wander off towards normal things it can grasp on?

Like me, my mind fears everything it cannot understand.
Everything it cannot accept just cannot be true... or so it insists.

Until proven...sanity must be grounded on a level whereby it can be defined, determined, dissected and discussed.

The swirl of emotions and the shock of understanding and not understanding, of feeling and not feeling, and merger of being there but not really groping in a deep puddle of muddy murky brown water.

You instantly fear, you suddenly think about things you normally wouldn't think about...after all, you do not know what vile things plagues the bottom and the bottom, you can only feel but not see.
You y try to guess knowing you cannot fully know.
You grope and you shiver with excitement of promised unspoken adventures as your mind opens a chest of treasures of endless possibilities while it dictates that the unknown almost always cannot be trusted.

The mind will step on it, just as the pair of feet will put its weight on the brown slimy soil... splashing the brown water sideways, parting the earthy paste...but no matter how many times the feet tries to part it, it seeps back to its place in the earth. Just as the mind might try to discern, dissect and understand, the confusion of having contradictory emotions will always find a way to throw the balance of our once stabel thoughts.

The mind, like the feet, may try to feel the warmth the murky muddy earthy confusion of the moment offers... but neither can stand eachother for so long.

No, the feet can only stand the mud for so long before it starts to itch, before it starts to look for the fresh refuge of water... And no, it doesnt matter that they are of the same composition. It doesnt matter that the feet that moves in the muddy puddle is made of the same earth the brown slimy mud is made of...

So no, the mind might feed from the mixture of emotions and experiences it receives, sharpening its understanding of how to go through the world...but just as the feet would shake the muddy existence of the brown earth off it, the mind will find a way to construct a sane explanation of things and feelings that it is confronted with...It will try to shake off the confusion and disturbing emotions unti it succeeds.

yes, until it shakes off that uncertainty of feeling and not feeling, knowing and not knowing, living and not existing. Of being fearful and intrigued, of being bashed and battered and feeling satisfied.

Don't ask me why.
It's just feels so.
It just seems right that way.

For it is also not right for mud to overly fester on the feet, nor do abstract emotions to forever distract the sanity of thought...

That's how things are.
It just is.