the pain, the past, and the present

Gettin ready for the weekend's steel fencing. Of course the doctor said something about laser -- wow! she just know how to make things sound even more complicated and -- err painful. Thank God for the discovery of Anesthesia, i wonder how some treatment, like -- ehem -- surgery?, would advance had anesthesia was not discovered. Hospital corridors would be like a clean prototype of a standard A slaughterhouse.

"Welcome! to the world of bleating patients and growling physicians. **in this case -- you'd be thanking heavens for the invention of A/C...
coz at least, u can bleat in your own privacy as the doctor sticks his hand on your stomach by inserting his finger on your nose. waaahhh... oh wait -- anesthesia comes before a/c -- hahah!

anesthesia was introduced around 1840s. Before that, patients are expected to whimper in pain or suck it up like a gentleman. "Uhh, excuse me Mr. Bunny, but I have to take your intestines out to clean them -- it's gonna be uncomfortable -- but you'll live" ...toinks -- in this case, id choose death.

This makes me grateful to my mom -- SHE, who gave birth to me in this era and age of aesthetics and superficiality. Where everything is ready to wear and over the counter. Where there is beer to cure certain heartaches and TV to entertain the sad. Where giving birth can be as easy as one-two-three (errr or something... it is not life if it ain't painful in some ways,y ou know...and giving birth is giving forth new life -- literally =P)

Well, may I gently remind you that I am a mother of FOUR. I mean, how could you expect me to give birth without any pain medication. It's gonna be like giving birth to a watermelon... OR---NOOOOO ! -- it's gonna be like spurting out a condo building, with Olympic-sized swimming poolS and parking spaces (with parked SUVs and buses), not to mention rooftops and balconies...who knows! the annoying guard with his gun, along with the town's carabao might come out too! waaaah!

In the olden times, I think they get you drunk or use opium -- great... a legitimate reason to be a drunk or an addict.

After grunting a whole community of soon-to-be scientists and world leaders, you'd be lucky to survive with anything intact...

"oh you'd sew them for me? -- no thank you" --

"you insist?! thank you but no --- im fine with the gaping hOle in my stomach-- the doctor slashing it with an axe did a good job of introducing pain, I don't need you poking and poking me with that needle you just heated in the furnace...."

" oh no --please, I'll kill you if you touch me!!!"

"MAAAA!"

I'm a scaredy cat when it comes to hospitals.

My brother does medical missions every year and i could just remember the stacks of supply in my dad's home. Stacks of IVs, catether, needles, meds, etc...that hasn't been used and was just stocked there till the next mission schedule. It was, in my eyes then, very very interesting -- but when you have someone who knows how to manipulate the syringe and is doing so to instill fear in you -- it can be traumatizing as well.

Those wittle machines you see in the ER are but an appliance we commonly use at home. That's why i feel like im home in ER -- no -- when I say I feel like its home, it's not the same thing as being comfortable. It just means, I'm no stranger to the apparatus -- but am unfriendly still towards it.

Those machines and apparatus could be so cold sometimes, invading your inner most privacy that sometimes it makes you think if it is actually reading and translating your thoughts in various frequencies.

Spent half of my life in hospitals where my check up interval were spaced between weeks and admission is a constant requirement every month. My sorry ass stays in the hospital bed for days and I go home almost always not knowing what really happened.

The doctor dont talk to me...my mom doesn't, my dad is somewhere in the States, my brother doesnt know anything and I didn't ask...

I don't know why -- confinement seems as if its the normal thing to do before- a small fever, a gentle cough, difficulty in breathing -- often results to a cbc test and IV insertion with half of my family and neighbors worried to death... sheesh.

I remember I was admitted during an exam week -- and it was the finals... and I remember, almost crawling my way to the 5th Floor -- for someone who can't even stand straight- that was not a very enthusiastic experience for me...needless to say, I was not a happy camper when I reach my destination. Oh how did I manage to walk? i wasn't walking -- my ex husband dragged me to insanity till i budged a little...

And so with my exploits in the white halls of the sick, I am happy, I'm visiting a dentist this sunday. At least, her office is not white, and it is always full of cheerful people. Except for that monstrous needle she needs to poke my gums with...I'm fine...--well --if only she could take that stainless thingie she has on her platter of torture, I'd be ok. oh-- and If only she'd do it silently without the light chatter coz it makes me nervous, she might not be concentrated enough -- *breathes deep -- inhale.exhale. It's gonna be alright.

I think I'm in good hands...
(but I'll drag my mom with me...just to be sure.)

misunderstood and out of context

I've gone AWOL from my family and friends last year because of the fact that I got pregnant (again?!). Aside from the fact that I was not ready to face them with their cross faces and insulting inquiries, I was not ready to face the subject of me being pregnant again.

I do realize the fact that babies are little miracles, however, you begin to think twice about it being miraculous if it's happening too often. Don't get me wrong, I am happy with my children, but if they only gave me the chance to re-schedule their grand entrances to this world, I'd have them really spaced out with a max of 4 years in between. Oh well...

My OB thinks I'm a a hard-headed idiot.

My kid's pedia thinks I'm just plain childish and careless,

My friends think I'm grabbing opportunities to be pregnant as if it was on sale -- with a major 80% slash off the retail price, My acquaintances have lost track already of the count but such memory deficiency is not holding them back from talking about me being pregnant for the nth time already.

My bestfriends are groaning "puhhhllleeeaassee....stop it!",.

My assistant rolled her eyes,

At least my little brother was indifferent...

And my mom...God knows what my mom was thinking...but let me tell you...it is not very pleasant and mostly likely it involves a murder plot aimed to bring down a 6ft giant.

And so I abstained from any social contact and limited myself within the four corners of my home...It's not hard to do, I move in a very limited social circle anyways -- all i have to do is just to pull the strings tighter to make that social circle even smaller. The social tug of alienation began and my being an introspective and my cynicism only deepened.

I've learned to become more observant and to act blank when i meet new people (don't get me wrong I'm not the next Albert Einstein either). I learned something fascinating -- i noticed how people become so interesting when they think your dumb...They become careless and they ignore you giving you every opportunity to dissect their personality, put it under your subjective microscope, and gaze at it -- as it jump up and down, back and forth to your satisfaction...

This often amuse me and it would be cruel to talk about it with other people...so I just remain silent in my corner if I'm ever in one of these rare occurences of meeting someone new...definitely spaced out with a semi-senile grin...Funny how they would all turn to look at me, as if on cue, every time I have this idiot smile on my face, an expression so out of place, that they'd shake their head in pity of me. nabuang na guro, ingon nila.

They'd ask me with feign interest and would give me a fake invitation to their conversation, a discussion I wasn't really listening to because I busy with my cruel scientific character disectomy --

"say, who do you think should win the final cup?"

"err, are we talking about the plastic one ? o kanang mabuak? mas gwapo jud nang mabuak kay dali lang limpyuhan..."

toink! minus 10,000 waffa points! naunsa man ka day oi! go home and plant camote nalang beh!

After a meaningful glance, and an eerie silence, they'd resume to their previous stance of verbal combat as they brush me off aside, not knowing what to do with me and doing everything to show me how to converse right -- just a little short in calling me dumb in my face.

I swear -- somebody would snap if I dared push even further. I can see their eyes twitching. HeHe.

But you see, it may sound as if I do it on purpose, the mistake was honest (yes, dili ko bogo, pero tanga jud ko gang haha!). I am not that mean to purposely irritate anybody -- i mean, i gave them a valid answer, their question, however, is wrong...I mean, oblivious to the ongoing conversation, How was I to know they were talking about some sports' world cup qualifiers...They assumed I knew...their fault they got a dumb answer.

Try asking me a question i know the answer of, and i'll hit the bulls eye. hehehe...i mean, You don't ask a gravedigger about the principles of ballet, you ask him about loam and earth and humidity, you inquire him of bones and stench and the peak season of dying, you cannot, for the life of him, make him gossip about ballet dancers unless,

• one, the said dancers are dead.
• two, he is a gravedigger cum ballet dancer -- tiptoeing his graceful ass in the cemetery --

the question then, is invalid and most likely to be out of context.

Anyways, let's leave the gravedigger alone...dli niya sala nga sa patay ra ang mudol niya, trabaho man niya na...neyehehehe... Moving on,Let us, however switch the channel to the number that airs “Grey’s Leah's Anatomy". --- Saw a friend night and we got into talking…turned out I stirred quite an interesting conversation amongst the medical staff after I gave birth. She informed me that there was an endorsement from me snapping to the resident doctor where I said “excuse me, I’m talking to my husband” (but if I remember correctly, I was so distressed to talk to anybody) to other various sundry stuff that is really not a big deal except that they find me to be a bitch and thus took the opportunity to glutton on me in their conversation.

Darn! I find it to be disturbing because I don’t remember being mean to anybody there except for that time when they were in a hurry to put me in surgery because my baby’s experiencing fatal heart distress but couldn’t find any of my guardian to pay for the down payment in the hospital. I was pushed to call my mom and I remember barking orders in terms of not shutting down my lappy to my brother to telling them that its impossible for us to give any down payment because it’s already 7pm and no bank is open. ( I was just 7 mos and my check up with my doctor turned out to be a major emergency operation) I was kinda explaining when some insensitive (more of tackless really) medical staff chided in with her one line bomb aimed and fired with every intention for it to explode into an insult -- “didn’t you prepare money for your delivery?!” That stopped me -- irked to bones; I dismissed her with a sharp look – am happy that I didn’t say anything sarcastic (but then again – didn’t I say that NO BANK is open?!) – she must be the kind to bring loads of cash when she goes out, I mean the lady can only be tackless and mean or just filthy rich, no one knows…

And so my opinion, from the highest of position to some of the low ranking help that was present during my surgery escapade clunked to the gutter (naka-una man gud bah hahaha!)… Needless to say, I’m going back to my old hospital.

But then again maybe I was mean to some and my memory just selectively forgot it. One way or another, I struck a nerve, and the nerve sang and choreographed a chorus resulting to an official soundtrack of me.

LALALALALA-LALALALALA-LALALALALA-LALALALALALA…

after a year of recluse and careful hiding, i managed to convince myself that it is now safe to go out. Drat! it was then the bullets started flying. Nanukad ra pud diay ang mga kagwang!