long distance relationships

Long distance relationships is not challenging...it is a challenge.

It happens when crazed-and-intimately-attached- lovers decided to be in a binding relationship regardless of the existing endless water and mass of earth sitting like a plump fairy between them. But this plump fairy is not very accommodating with wishes, it is hard as a rock, deep as the abyss, and frigidly cold as that raw meat in the freezer.

It doensn't let you cross it for free. Arline tickets and cruise packages are extremely expensive that the word "filthy rich" and "robbery" comes to mind often.

It won't even let your voice pass without a fee.

It has numerous toll gates.Conflicting bodies of government.And landmines waiting for some fool to play with it.

Not to mention warring parties with deadly nuclear weapons that can destroy the earth 7 times. Duh. You can only destroy the earth once. Once it blow, everything disintegrates rendering the other 6 useless... hoookay? well if , and only if, by some miracle everything disintegrates and the 6 remained intact, nobody will be alive then to miraculously push the button of destruction once again.

The END-OF-THE-WORLD episode of our lives can only happen once, and its so absolute that nobody will be left to say "Bravo! Magnifico! that blow really blew me!". So let me tell it in advance to the genius, whoever he/she may be, wherever he/she may be located.

"congratulations for making sure everybody die an equal death, may we all rest in peace"

With all these lunatics between us, storms and climate changes, taxes and VATs, not to mention wild animals on the prowl, both four and two-legged...long distance relationships become a rock-climbing, off-road expedition of mixed emotions and frustrations that sends us crashing head on.

And so, lovers' break down because others just break away.

But does distance really have to do with it?

I've seen couples not torn by different timezones and geographical obstacles act as if they have a black hole existing between them. One can be so near yet so out of reach at the same time.

But blame it to the world becauase the world doesn't complain.

Never mind that our pride is more difficult to climb than its highest mountain.

Never mind that we become fickle minded, swaying more than the wind that courses through the trees.

Never mind that our anger is far more bitter than the storm that wrecks the fields.

Never mind that our eyes wander like a stranger sometimes.

Never mind that we sometimes take the slightest offense as a mock reason to create an impenetrable wall to those closest to us.

Never mind that we sometimes create our own world where no one is allowed to set foot upon.

Never mind that we sometimes wage an invisible battle where enemies are meant to lose no matter what.

Blame it to the world because it can only whistle its heartaches.

because its rain drowns its pains and tears.

because it survived the weathering changes of time, making it even stronger and beautiful as lovers continue to grow apart.

Yes, blame the world as our madness takes us to the edge of sanity as we collectively create and destroy cities in the name of pride and love.

But if you really want to test your capacity to endure a long distance relationship, be a priest.

Submit yourself to the "holy marriage" that requires absolute obedience and fidelity.

Where your partner is omnipotent that sneaking out to party at night and going home with a lame excuse of overtime will be just that, LAME.

And arguments are out of the question.

So jealous that being everywhere is not even enough that spies and assassins in the form of demons and angels are being sent and instructed to remind you of your sins with visions of hell to instill fear in your heart.

A partner that neither believes in telephones nor customer service.

A partner you cannot woe with chocolates and flowers.

A Partner that you cannot shout at (well, you can always try).

A Partner you cannot stand to lose.

Where communication will always be like an exercise of patience because it's like being on hold forever with intermittent flashes of light to daze you with constant subtle reminders and threats of hell sung in a melody of a song that is longer than "stairway to heaven" to keep you company while you wait for the operator to come.

It is not a long distance relationship -- it is an impossibility-made-possible relationship.

Where distance does not only exist, but another plane of reality stands in the middle of it all. This time the fairy is far more cruel in its collection of taxes. Where you pay with your everything including your sanity.

And unlike the plump fairy called THE WORLD, it will only allow you to point your finger towards yourself --blaming your imperfect existence is the only option.

Bummer if God doesn't really exist.

Double bummer if he does and you committed adultery.

murky waters

I find myself thinking about the brown muddy water one finds on a clay ground after a bashful of rain. I do not want to dwell on the reason why I suddenly felt the impulse of thinking such weird thoughts... as I am more pre-occupied of the feelings it creeps inside me whenever a picture of a puddle returns to mind.

No, I am not easily put off by dirt and nor do I squirm when I see mud. There have been times when the warmth of the wet earth between my toes soothed my aching feet and calmed my bruised soul as I faced an endless road with only my thoughts to keep me company. Where my companions are also busy keeping their shaky spirit sturdy as they wipe their brows with the back of their hand.

The thoughts of those long walk makes me smile and sigh at the same time. But the mud between my feet were alies... friend to the weary traveller... comforter of battered thighs and weathered bodies...

The golden color of the earth as it squish between my toes changes hues and everytime I try to look at my feet, I see more of the mud than of the flesh I am made of. But ashes to ashes, dust to dust -- or so the saying goes...aren't we all, in one form or another, as muddy and as dirty? just like the earth we step on?

When we take our last breath and our carcass thrown to the ground... after the last rite symbolizing our return to the womb of mother nature, don't we all crumble to become the same dust and mud we walk on? are we not every bit earthy as every bit of soil that makes up the earth we live in?

and so I tell myself, why feel uncomfortable of the thought of a muddy puddle?

I don't know.

It is one of those moments where we feel something we cannot explain. I bet you also had that experience of just feeling something strange,

like being happy without a reason,

feeling fear without knowing why,

feeling uncomfortable when there is no obvious reason to be so...

and you just do...

You don't ask why...

sometimes, you don't even stop to acknowledge the feeling...

happened so suddenly... so fast, that it throws you on a wheeling spree of emotions that only you could understand because YOU feel it.

But you understand and you don't understand at the same time. Coz you can't seem to find the right words to explain it... You cannot assign a language to verbalize it. And every attempt to verbally reconstruct that feeling you cannot explain always end in failure...you find it to be a feeble move...for to bottle something that is fusing profusely, knotting you almost is physical discomfort, even to the brink of pain...to bottle something that makes you wanna explode...is just an impossibility...

and so you end up frustrated. You feel alienated from the people you want to share it with. Misunderstood by the few who tried to reach out... Everyone feeling disappointed and useless.

And so when you feel that confusing mixture of feelings, that cartwheeling emotions that threatens to destroy your little comfortable bubble... you tend to keep quiet.

Lost in your own thoughts. Drowned in your silence. Overwhelmed by the experience... Regretting your inability to patch others in the moment. Disappointed how they cannot get to you.

You feel alone but not lonely.

You become tired but somewhat satisfied.

You become fearful, because the unknown always bring the fear in us.

Surprises, good or bad,and that uncertainty of feeling and not feeling, knowing and not knowing, living and not existing. Of being fearful and intrigued, of being bashed and battered and feeling satisfied despite of it all, always make our hearts jump.

Just as the muddy water and the thought of it splashing as a pair of feet steps on it makes me hold my breath, I find myself bathed in this crazy experience of finding and not finding -- not that I know what it is that I am not looking for in the first place.

A splash of mixed and construed emotions that makes me want to run for the fear of being mad. But for sure, I haven't lost my mind (or have i?)...although, it is a possibility that it was my mind who have lost me.

Incapable of understanding the moment I am in and the experience I find myself swimming in the middle of, could it be that it decided to leave me behind to wander off towards normal things it can grasp on?

Like me, my mind fears everything it cannot understand.

Everything it cannot accept just cannot be true... or so it insists.

Until proven...sanity must be grounded on a level whereby it can be defined, determined, dissected and discussed.

The swirl of emotions and the shock of understanding and not understanding, of feeling and not feeling, and merger of being there but not really existing...is...like groping in a deep puddle of muddy murky brown water.

You instantly fear, you suddenly think about things you normally wouldn't think about...after all, you do not know what vile things plagues the bottom and the bottom, you can only feel but not see.

You y try to guess knowing you cannot fully know.

You grope and you shiver with excitement of promised unspoken adventures as your mind opens a chest of treasures of endless possibilities while it dictates that the unknown almost always cannot be trusted.

The mind will step on it, just as the pair of feet will put its weight on the brown slimy soil... splashing the brown water sideways, parting the earthy paste...but no matter how many times the feet tries to part it, it seeps back to its place in the earth. Just as the mind might try to discern, dissect and understand, the confusion of having contradictory emotions will always find a way to throw the balance of our once stabel thoughts.

The mind, like the feet, may try to feel the warmth the murky muddy earthy confusion of the moment offers... but neither can stand eachother for so long.

No, the feet can only stand the mud for so long before it starts to itch, before it starts to look for the fresh refuge of water... And no, it doesnt matter that they are of the same composition. It doesnt matter that the feet that moves in the muddy puddle is made of the same earth the brown slimy mud is made of...

So no, the mind might feed from the mixture of emotions and experiences it receives, sharpening its understanding of how to go through the world...but just as the feet would shake the muddy existence of the brown earth off it, the mind will find a way to construct a sane explanation of things and feelings that it is confronted with...It will try to shake off the confusion and disturbing emotions unti it succeeds.

yes, until it shakes off that uncertainty of feeling and not feeling, knowing and not knowing, living and not existing. Of being fearful and intrigued, of being bashed and battered and feeling satisfied.

Don't ask me why.

It's just feels so.

It just seems right that way.

For it is also not right for mud to overly fester on the feet, nor do abstract emotions to forever distract the sanity of thought...

That's how things are.

It just is.

im busy.

things I'm doing the past few days

checking the fish

trying to reach i nirvana

ditracting myself from hunger

busy testing the air if it is still breathable...

checking if labor rights are being respected.

being the evil passport chieftain

--had to quit coz te neng and i found the golden buddha - ehe! =P

My Name's hidden meaning, find out yours.

You Are Peaceful and Content

You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.

You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.

Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.

You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.

At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. 

You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. 

You have the classic "Type A" personality...

You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out. Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia. Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

mom.

Quietly celebrated Mother's day Today.  I am not a woman who notes every special event --I should, but I am currently struggling with my children's birthdates that I do not have the time and patience to add "special days" that is mostly dictated by tradition and enhanced by commercialism.  

I have nothing against tradition, in fact, despite our gadgets and techie toys, most of our perspective are still traditional, shaped by prejudices, sharpened by old lessons and hardened by our mother's nagging.  

I, for example, am battling the chain of domestic chores that our patriarchal society tie on women.  I've struggled to become an independent modern woman, with a career to toy with and a clean sink to go home to.  I was successful in avoiding the dishes, but I still find myself washing plates of different kinds.  It's like leaving my simple little kitchen to prove that I can, only to find myself doing THE task I'm avoiding -- but this time, in a more complicated and bigger food station. 

My mother, in all her strictness and monologues, was not wrong when she said that I will someday be like her.  In all my daring attempts to test my boundaries, I find myself creating a pen around my children's.  In my careless wanderings, I find myself holding back my kid's attempt to explore outside the line I set for them.  In all my modern perspective, I still cannot help myself from raising my kids the way my mother raised me, not as tight -- but close nonetheless.

I stil don't understand the concept of nagging, but I think it has to do with the flood of information that you want to share and the rush of emotions and the limitations of language. 

 The experience of wanting to protect the people you care about is so intense that words are not enough to cater your flowing affection.  My mother, was scared to lose me as she watched me struggle as I try to break the cocoon she made for me... She felt a sense of urgency as she watched me peel off layer after layer of the sheltered life she gave me that each verbal reminder is thrusted with a forceful blow hitting the mark harder than usual.

She unknowingly bruised my memory, wounded my soul, and hurt my pride.We always hurt the people we love the most.  But it's been years since I've stopped licking my wounds. It's a love and hate relationship -- the best of its kind.

I am a mother now.  Or trying to be a good one. But I will always be a little girl in my mom's eyes. 

*smiles I find nothing wrong with that.

Happy Mothers Day...

Mothers in developing nations are often last to eat, despite producing most of the food! This Mother's Day let's help a mom feed her child.

Instead of giving a traditional Hallmark card, it would be great if they could add an ecard to the Wall Against Hunger: wall.wfp.org

This time, after we give flowers and treat our mothers, let's extend our hand to starving mothers who are faceless to the many of us but is real as the one we have.  A little help and a little time will not hurt us nor but will definitely be something for the women who has nothing but their children - literally.

Mothers and Hunger

The Facts  
by Wall.wfp.org

 Key points:

• More than 60 percent of chronically hungry people in the world – around 580 million people – are women. (Source: FAO)
  
•  In 2008, 82% of WFP’s beneficiaries were women and children.
  
•  Educated mothers have healthier families. Their children are better nourished, less likely to die in infancy and more likely to attend school. (Source: FAO)
  
•  Increasing opportunities for mothers has a particularly strong impact on hunger because women devote much more of their income directly to feeding their families than men do. One study found that increasing women's primary schooling could boost agricultural output by 24%. (Source: World Bank)
  
•  As women have unequal access to resources, a food crisis - such as 2008’s high food and fuel prices crisis and the present financial crisis – only worsens the situation.
  
•  Continuing high food prices have forced families to reduce their food intake while increasing the workload of women in order to earn more income to purchase food.
  
•  Breaking the cycle of hunger and poverty at its roots begins with women. Hunger breeds insecurity and often exacerbates circumstances that lead to conflict and crisis, and creates situations where women and girls are often the victims of abuse, rape and violence.
  

 Other points:

•  A quarter of all hungry people are children. All too often, child hunger is inherited: up to 17 million children are born underweight annually, the result of inadequate nutrition before and during pregnancy. (Source: Unicef) 
  
• Around 50% of pregnant women in developing countries are anaemic. Lack of iron increases the risk of death of the mother at delivery, accounting for at least 20% of maternal mortality. (Source: Kraemer, K. and Zimmermann, M.B. Nutritional Anaemia, Sight and Life, 2007)
  
•  Children born to iodine-deficient mothers have been shown to have an average 13.5 point lower IQ than children born to iodine-replete mothers. (Source: Bleichrodt, N. and Born, M.P. A Meta-analysis of Research on Iodine and its Rrelationship to Cognitive Development. The Damaged Brain of Iodine Deficiency, New York, Cognitizant Communication, 1994)
  
•  As a result, women, and in particular expectant and nursing mothers, often need special or increased intake of food.
  
•  The prevention of maternal and child undernutrition is a long-term investment that will benefit the present as well as the future generation.
  
•  Women are the world’s primary food producers, yet cultural traditions and social structures often mean women are much more affected by hunger and poverty than men.
  
•  In most developing countries women produce between 60 and 80% of food, but own less than 2% of the world’s titled land. (Source: Rural Development Institute)
  
•  A mother will often be the last to eat – instead saving food for her children and other family members.
  
•  There is a danger that mothers will engage in negative coping mechanisms, such as prostitution, in order to provide for their families in times of hardship.

 What WFP Does to Help Mothers and Other Women

• As the world’s largest humanitarian organisation, WFP feeds the world’s hungriest and most vulnerable people – the overwhelming majority of whom are women and children.
  
•  WFP’s policy on gender issues has been in place and guiding our work since the mid 80s.
  
•  WFP uses a range of activities to empower mothers and their daughters, providing vital skills and income-earning opportunities through Food for Training and Food for Work programmes.
  
•  WFP supports children and mothers by providing them with nutritious foods during the critical stages of their lives, including childhood and pregnancy. Our focus is not to just give any food, but to give quality, fortified foods to ensure that we contribute to the nutrient needs of newborns, pregnant and nursing women.
  
• WFP works with national governments, the African Union, FAO, IFAD and others to encourage increased sustainable food production and a ‘green revolution’ in Africa. Women smallholder farmers are key to unlocking this potential.
  
•  WFP supports women smallholder farmers through our local purchasing of food. Half of WFP’s budget comes in the form of cash and we use 80% of that cash to purchase food from farmers in the developing world.
  
•  WFP gives extra take-home food rations to girls in our school feeding programmes. This virtually guarantees that girls will attend school, even in cultures where women have had no access to education.
  
•  In crisis and conflict situations WFP works closely with our female partners in implementing our projects, including food distributions. In 2008, 574,000 women were in leadership positions on food management committees, an increase of 140% over the previous year.
  
•  In camps for refugees and IDPs we allocate family food vouchers to women, thus helping to protect them against abductions and violence. Also, the nutritional support we provide to formerly abducted children, especially girls, has facilitated their social reintegration and reduced their vulnerability to sexual exploitation and abuse.

FLU updates

As of May 05, the World Health Organization (WHO)  have officially reported 985 cases of the A (H1N1) infection... 

But this flu is in humans not in swine. So certain precautions have been done to protect our piggies from infected human beings.  The flu outbreak first reported in Mexico are in human and not in swine, although after the pigs become infected, they can infect humans also.  So precautions to keep infected people away from pigs are being done and necessary quarantines are being ordered to help the spread of this threat.  Around 6,000 pigs were killed and cremated becuase of they've acquired an infection and and certain hog farmers are being quarantined.

For the Past decades, we blame the animals for our diseases.Roles have been reversed this time. 

well, except for Canada where they found  A (H1N1) virus in pigs.

As an extra precaution, it is recommended to wash our hands longer. Senator Loren Legarda recommends that we wash our hands as we Sing the Happy Birthday song twice (the song only lasts 30sec).  

message from oblivion by no one

Have you ever felt the walls are closing in on you?

 and that the air has become thicker with the all their thoughts of you that you feel like throwing up? 

That's what I felt these past few weeks... 

I'm just tired. Plain tired of having to pay with my everything just becuase they've decided to hand everything to me in a silver platter...something I am grateful and ungrateful for... 

so when an opportunity to run presented itself, I ran..and ran away so fast I was dizzy for a moment. 

Now I'm in a strange place with few familiar faces to call on to...but I will let go of that too -- then I'll start anew.

where nobody knows me. 

nobody knows about who I am. 

Nobody knows what I can do. --where I am but a face in the crowd and a stranger on the street. Where nobody can disturb my peace amidst the noisy crowded places I've sulked myself in. Where I can sigh in peace and where nobody is breathing on my neck.

I have lived a full life, yes.  They have made sure of that...

but this time... regardless of the mud and muck, the darkness and uncertainty --I'm gonna live my life-- not becuase they said so -- but becuase I chose to.  

In my own space. Own time. Own pace.

Note to myself -- you have less than five days to linger in oblivion---come back before the 10th -- you have a scheduled shoot to do.