see me now.

so what am i accountable for?
in this life of ruins where people are taught to wait for a tomorrow that never really comes.

what am i to fear? when I can only speak for myself and everything else becomes what i want it to be.

what am i to ask?
when I do not know what really makes me happy.

What is happiness anyway?

absurdly treading this part of my life where I've become a warrior of many things. But battles being fought for people you find special are very hard to do -- especially when they themselves are letting themselves get caught to be killed.

I tried so hard to design my life to please others while i secretly sneak out to glutton over things that i find enjoyable to kill my time.

But It's always the same.

Year after year.

Old Friends.
New Friends.
Young.
Old

Day after day, I still get impatient with the same old routine even with new faces to bear.
i find it a burden to hear people in ways where they find themselves unhappy of the state they are in.

But I cannot forever extend myself.

I cannot forever keep the basin of loneliness i feel because i do not find it in myself to walk away from the miseries of others.

I am in no way soft hearted.
I am not sentimental either.

However, I find it disturbing to see people getting stuck in that part of their lives and seeing that they don't even know it.
but it seems as if I am most apt to destroy characters, but then again, one can only destroy that which is brittle.
That's why when one locks to destroy, one focuses on nothing but the weaknesses.

so what am i to do?
I bang the wall, to find if it is sturdy enough.
It stands tall still...My wall is as strong as ever, but that never stopped me from banging a hole. Sooner of later, it will crumble...if that happens, what then?
will that make me realize?
what will that make me?

but what are they doing?
i am confused. i get lost just as i tangle within the sheets of my mind.
are they thinking what i'm thinking?
do they know that i am but a shell of confusing characters, trying to get hold what reality is all about...

excuse me...but do you know me?
because i've been looking for answers but until now, i cannot find one.

I become the people i am with.
that's why whenever i find myself alone, i find it hard to fit in.
i become the wall i am stuck with when no one is around.
mute.
hard.
cold.
forever an unwilling witness of other people's lives.
eternally immovable.
carefully listening.
vibrating with secrets.
basking in silence.
carefully waiting for the right moment...

do you know me?

Every time we talk about something, we tend to talk as if we always know what we are talking about.

For example, when we talk of someone.

She is such a bitch.
She talks like as if she never entered an educational system.
She is this.
She is that.
oh, my god! and look at her chew at that gum!
Did you hear about her new boyfriend?
Why'dya think he picked her?!
It must be the money, the sex, and for whatever it's worth, I won't be like her!
It all boils down to one cliche..."it takes one to know one".

how can you say if the fruit is an apple? It's because you have a notion of what an apple is like. And so no matter how your friend insist on calling the orange apple, she just managed to change the name, but not the orange itself. Calling one something does not automatically makes that something into what you called it. Before I get carried away with the apples and the oranges, let me say my point...we can only label and say things that we have known. In the case of judging people, we cannot really know for sure. Human beings are unpredictable and unlike the mentioned fruits, there is no significant category for each and human being. Blame it on our awareness of ourselves. We are aware of who we are and thus, we gained the opportunity to change or enhance that part of ourselves that we think needs it. However, we may have awareness of other things and people, our perspective of our reality is not what they really are -- but we see them as we are.

Let me expound on that.

We all have backgrounds and we all have our own unique molds. We share the same world and may meet the same people...but we look at them individually. There may be collective agreement on certain things like, the square has four sides and the world is round, however, in closely looking at reality, we all have a myriad of frame and individual understanding making the details of our present, past, and future an individualized reality that each of us can only own.

Let's say marriage.
Some people hate it.Others are happy with it. Some people, after a failed marriage are willing to try it again, some people would rather be dead than say the words "I do". Other people do so for money, others - because of obligation. Others do it as an escape from their current situation, other do it to save someone else's life. Some people marry out of need, others out of greed. Others do so, just because, few do so, for a very important reason. A marriage may take place with or without love, with or without needs, with or without consent...
and I haven't gotten into the details yet.

and so when we try to judge a person, we really judge ourselves. We get the illusion of knowing who she is when we unknowingly compare ourselves to that other person. The benchmark always, when we look at other people and things, is ourselves. The jewelry is nice. The picture is significant. The man is good-looking.

so let me then be clear -- looking at other people and the world in general is really looking into a mirror...they just reflect a different face.

hateful people hate themselves.
unhappy people are people who are not contented with themselves.
greedy people want everything for themselves.
people who looks at the world with pain are people who burdens himself/herself with unnecessary guilt.

Ever notice something with people who are happy with who they are and what they have? They seldom complain of other people and of little things...it's because, they have nothing to complain about themselves ...

i bid you a happy self-hunting. May you like what you find.

empty me

bubbles.
soap suds.
hot chocolate.
dead television.
scattered slippers.
busted mobile phone
empty cups.
half-eaten cake.
torn pages.
somehow, in the process of running from my fears, i've lost myself.
nothing is left to be said but...save me.