Sunday, January 17, 2010

Lazy thoughts.

It's like drugs.
You get addicted to it.
You cannot say no.
You get angry for no reason.
You get so consumed that you feel lost in your madness.
And when the hype is all gone, you feel there is no reason for living anymore...or to get out of bed to do something stupid.

There are some days when i am so certain about what i want. Some days, I just don't know what to do with myself. And so i try to creep in into the depths of what remains inside to justify all the sudden hurting i feel.
There is nothing to do? I feel useless. It's these times that I feel neglected. It's these times that I am annoyed for no apparent reason.
Be it the sudden banging of the door.
The shrieks of the neighbor.
The slow careful steps outside my bedroom door.

Left on my own, slouching in bed, worrying over useless things and imagining even more useless things, I tend to find peace. In the oddest sense of feeling useless and exuberant to be able to laze around, I find a serenity that my working days has robbed me. Growing up with a mom to fuss over me and a nagging nanny who directly reports to the parental authorities, I find it hard to find a special space of my own to think my tinker thoughts. Now, with no mom and no nanny to invade my personal sanctum, unleashed and free to do whatever that was not allowed before, I find myself confused and with no direction. So many things to do and wanting to do it all at once ---- it is making me dizzy.

I tell myself, growing up is like learning how to walk.
One step at a time.
One single step towards whatever you want.
One single step towards experimentation and idiosyncrasy.
And if the steps are proving to be slow ones, hop and jump, and even roll.
Laugh while you're at it.
Stomp if it frustrates you.
Be careless if need be.
Just avoid being chained again.
Refuse to be tied to anything.
Leave whatever that entails imprisonment.
Cry when you want.
Forget if things got too hurtful.
Take pills if you cannot sleep.
Do not growl. You don't have to be ugly to look tough...but it helps.

and if the world got too noisy, I remind myself that I can always retreat to my own secret hiding place where no one will be admitted.
If the world got too rowdy, let them fight among themselves.
If the world is starting to get smaller, find another planet and alien to play with.

You don't have to conform.
You don't have to follow.
You play by your own rules.
Be polite to the nasty and be patient to the idiots.
Observe. Understand. and play with people intelligent enough to understand your game.

Be silly.
Avoid buses when driving.
Get a license.
and don't stop learning how to cook.


Greg Roberts said...

In days long ago, hazy now as they recede into the past, I remember my own lazy thoughts, my own lazing around, sleep at 4am, wake at 2-3pm. Sleep through a 2pm class and still grab an A! WHat a life, if you can get it. But even then, the scary thoughts slide through into the sleepy mind.

The scary, guilty thoughts of long ago were nothing but the innocent worries of the free. I am no longer free, I suppose none of us are. The imprisonment I suffer these days is a glorious one but comes with really scary thoughts, which keep me, like at this precise moment, from just lazing around for a bit in my warm and cozy bed. Its raining hard here, perfect day for lazing around, luxuriating under the blankets. But the thoughts which consume me now drive me hard, never sure the path is correct but driving forward because the decisions are made and all you can do is bring the ship into port, full speed ahead and damn the torpedoes, hurricanes and earthquakes.

Make up the rules as you go along. By all means avoid the buses! A good day is a day in this life, the game is afoot!

Anonymous said...

Nice brief and this enter helped me alot in my college assignement. Gratefulness you as your information.

13thWiTCH said...

@teddyfuckingballgame - its ok to take a day off. sometimes driving yourself too hard results to certain delays you cannot afford.

@anonymous - glad to help ^.^