Headaches and crazy thoughts

Looking at the screen, with my head pounding as if someone just smashed it to the wall, is not the easiest thing to do. Here I am, back from the grave, trying to get my other foot from the purgatory it's stuck in. Please take a moment to say "welcome back".

...My brain, as if eternally frozen is starting to hurt that I am tempted to get a rock, crack my head open, and stir it back to life with a stick.

It's during these times that I wonder why God made us like piggy ceramic coin banks. And like an eager little child, We shake our head, figure out what's inside, itches to get it opened...but once cracked...we become damaged and (almost) beyond repair.
Being like this seems to be a smart way to almost prevent one from acting on certain curiosity and impulses, like cracking your pounding head, for example, with something hard.

Can you imagine if we had the ability to take off each part and scratch it to satisfaction like the way we pick our noses?
The market would arguably be filled with absurd and odd looking containers and covers.
Aisles and aisles of pouches for eyeballs in different colors and styles, containers specifically for the ears, mouth, fingers and knee caps -- (eooow)...
and what about screws to put the detachable part in place?
how about double sided tape for the flesh?

Ahhh... Cadavers will be more expensive!
Gone are the cemetery days of burial and cremation.
For once a detachable part is gone and lost, one just have to replace it.
What a disaster it would be to walk out and go home only to find out that you've lost an arm along the way.
Like the way we lose earphones...once we do, we just have to get a new pair...correct?

Ahhh... and would this be the time for slaughterhouses to shine?
Instead of the greasy bloody warehouses we usually see, emerge a more sophisticated showroom and storage of cadavers and parts.
Where a/c and refrigeration must be of the highest class.
Hmmm....And a receiving area with flowers in colors and lights in yellowish hue to cause a warm effect for customers waiting in line to order a new appendage?

And gone are the days of cardboard slaughterhouses signages.
In its place will rise a sign in neon lights that says "Body and parts for sale!" --- or a better one "Bodies from Finland and Germany for sale!"...Nokia Users will go for this one nyahahah!
Do you think China can come up with a cheaper alternative? a semi-body part...maybe one shade lighter or darker...something that vibrates and with an lcd screen? Coolness hahah!
This one, ladies and gentlemen, is THE red light district because this is THE ultimate flesh business.

Interesting don't you think?
But what a disaster!
For someone as careless as I, it would be a very expensive way to live.
I mean an arm would cost a lot, I'd suppose, and if I lose an arm the way I lose my cellphones, I might as well just be dead...For the possibility to lose an arm means a possibility to lose a leg, a nipple, a finger, a toe...and what about my head! I certainly cannot function properly without it!
Being the picker that I am, I am sure I'd be toying and nitpicking at it until it becomes lose...and God knows what will happen if it rolls off!

So I guess God did us a favor in creating us as we are.
Vulnerable and in one piece--- without the choice of appendage exchanges upon will.
What was I thinking asking for lego body parts?!...oh wait...I wasn't thinking that's why I was asking for it...my head hurts remember?

Thank God for small miracles.

upon sneaking out..

Wear the darkest clothing available. To accompany your dark thoughts and to burn a theme when you stick to the shadows of the cold night when you do an escape. Shadows become your bestfriend...the cold wind warming an even colder heart.

long strides to accompany deep thoughts, you sprint a long circle that sometimes lead you back to your own solace. They won't find you there.

But a dose of more than enough can sometimes satiate a hungry soul. You have come to do what you have wanted and find it to your liking...but not enough to make you want it.
You look at it and find that it is still what it is...but the craving waned.
The curve of hunger is not as as it once was.
You've come to realize that it was what you just needed but you need it no more.
And you open your hands to let it go. And you smile to yourself knowing it was one of the things you will always remember.
And you see it slowly wave and turn as it finally jumps out of your reach.
You have no sense of loss...it wasn't yours to begin with.
You have no feeling of regret, it has served it's purpose.
You don't run after it, it's meant to be free.

You walk away and it doesn't pain you to look back. It did not change to hurt you...but there is change within.
You will always laugh when you remember how it tickled your sense of longing...because the longing is no more there.
It waves and you wave back.
It will call you and you have no problem answering it.
It will still stir your interest but you've ceased to become its mistress. You were never sure if you were anyway... and you will giggle at the irony of it all.
And as you taste the adventures in your tongue and smell the sweetness of having it with you for a while, you sigh...knowing it was just what you had wanted and needed. It was exactly what you had wished for... and you do not care if the dream had ended...All that's important is that it happened.

taking a pause.thinking at a pause.

I've hit a wall.
I'm doing a project where I have identified the goal but am lost in terms of where to begin its execution. I've made the draft and written concepts and has partially completed the project design. Or something...whatever you may call it.
But I'm lost.
And am trying to retrace my steps slowly by identifying factors and returning to the reasons "WHY" I've decided to accept this challenge.
And it helped...but not enough to push me forward. And so here I am fiddling with the keyboard hoping for a strike of genius to smack me straight in my face.

Sometimes, when I am too buried in the things I do, I get lost in the swarm of information I receive that I sometimes lose my ability to interpret them. When one is overwhelmed, one can only be at awe...and sometimes...being at awe for a long time makes me just do that, be in awe. Wide eyed...open-mouthed...and probably salivating.

When this happens, I remind myself of Boyd's OODA loop.

Introduced by a friend years ago, I've managed to clasp on it until it consumed me. But this does not mean I've reached the depth of Boyd's "drestroy and create" philosophy where I can chew on his words without blinking. Nope -- I'm still struggling. Still trying to learn the meaning of his words and still trying to engage such practice in my reality.

Me struggling, and struggling some more to understand Boyd's strat ironically gives me a breather. It reminds me to step back and to re-orient myself correctly. It screams at me that I might be worrying over the wrong thing. It scolds me that my decisions may not be valid because my observation is at fault.

The project material that seem impossible to understand is now being read with fresh eyes. Things suddenly make sense.
Concepts emerge from the once invisible underlying pattern.
I've ceased to become a paralyzed idiot because of the material's impressive qualities...but it doesn't mean that surprises stop there.

What do I mean?
It all goes back to the frame of mind.
That solutions are not the best answers available but rather, solutions are the RIGHT answers to the problem at hand. And you can only get to the right answers when you begin with the correct questions.

In questioning wrongly, even the best answers will render useless. But correct questions can only be asked if you are not afraid to destroy pre-conceived notions and structures. And this does not only apply to the material at hand. It applies to our orientation. And our orientation shape our observations. That's why conventional thinking often leads to conventional reasoning.

For example, there are many ways to get a five.
Instantly our orientation would suggest the conventional thinking 4+1 and 2+3.

But isn't 1+1+1+1+1 a 5 ? or 2+1+1+1 = 5 ?
The addition need not consist of 2 whole numbers only, right?

isn't 2.5 + 2.5 = 5 or 2 1/5 + 2 1/5 = 5 ?
an example that it need not be only whole numbers too.

and the equation is not necessarily addition alone as 15-10 = 5

The mind has to broaden its perspective for it to adapt. Yes, it will be difficult. Yes, it will make you cry sometimes in frustration. Yes, you will have to understand your way of thinking first before you can scrutinize other brains and the treasure it beholds. To readily reject things you cannot understand may be the worst thing you can do to impede your growth. Not only in the aspect of work and projects but as a person.

A person who cannot adapt in the constant changes of the world is a person whose mind is not willing to understand. He will be most likely to get stuck... and his knowledge, once proven effective, may become obsolete in the process unless he learns to integrate it in the new system of the "present".

He will be most likely to be scared of changes because it meant destruction of his conventional frame. In the end, he gets disengaged in the present reality, his decisions ineffective, and his actions useless.

And this is because his mind, in its unwillingness to understand, has underestimated (or may not be aware of) the complexities involved. And many people have been killed because of this arrogance.
To underestimate immediately is to be misled.
To be misled puts one in a disadvantage.
To be in such position would most likely bring you failure.

So when you've come to a conclusion that seems to be different from the usual, remind yourself that a unique concept will always be radical. It will not always be accepted because it will most likely go against the norm. No, you are not rejecting the "norm"...actually, it is a good place to start. It can be a point of reference.
But the norm is not always what it seems.
The norm can be very deceiving.
Like the OODA loop not really being a loop to begin with.

Lazy thoughts.

It's like drugs.
You get addicted to it.
You cannot say no.
You get angry for no reason.
You get so consumed that you feel lost in your madness.
And when the hype is all gone, you feel there is no reason for living anymore...or to get out of bed to do something stupid.

There are some days when i am so certain about what i want. Some days, I just don't know what to do with myself. And so i try to creep in into the depths of what remains inside to justify all the sudden hurting i feel.
There is nothing to do? I feel useless. It's these times that I feel neglected. It's these times that I am annoyed for no apparent reason.
Be it the sudden banging of the door.
The shrieks of the neighbor.
The slow careful steps outside my bedroom door.

Left on my own, slouching in bed, worrying over useless things and imagining even more useless things, I tend to find peace. In the oddest sense of feeling useless and exuberant to be able to laze around, I find a serenity that my working days has robbed me. Growing up with a mom to fuss over me and a nagging nanny who directly reports to the parental authorities, I find it hard to find a special space of my own to think my tinker thoughts. Now, with no mom and no nanny to invade my personal sanctum, unleashed and free to do whatever that was not allowed before, I find myself confused and with no direction. So many things to do and wanting to do it all at once ---- it is making me dizzy.

I tell myself, growing up is like learning how to walk.
One step at a time.
One single step towards whatever you want.
One single step towards experimentation and idiosyncrasy.
And if the steps are proving to be slow ones, hop and jump, and even roll.
Laugh while you're at it.
Stomp if it frustrates you.
Be careless if need be.
Just avoid being chained again.
Refuse to be tied to anything.
Leave whatever that entails imprisonment.
Cry when you want.
Forget if things got too hurtful.
Take pills if you cannot sleep.
Do not growl. You don't have to be ugly to look tough...but it helps.

and if the world got too noisy, I remind myself that I can always retreat to my own secret hiding place where no one will be admitted.
If the world got too rowdy, let them fight among themselves.
If the world is starting to get smaller, find another planet and alien to play with.

You don't have to conform.
You don't have to follow.
You play by your own rules.
Be polite to the nasty and be patient to the idiots.
Observe. Understand. and play with people intelligent enough to understand your game.

Be silly.
Avoid buses when driving.
Get a license.
and don't stop learning how to cook.