morning me.

good morning world. why did you wake me up? you could have at least left me alone for a few minutes. i want to go back to sleep and forget about the fact that i slept with a bruised part of my body plus my back hurts and a few places of my body is just plain sore. Despite the fact that my bed right now is big, cozy and in a state of disarray (to which I have no intention of arranging). I'm a mess myself -- tousled hair held in place by a ballpoint, hand with visible "paid" mark, sleepy face half painted in chocolate ice cream (becuase of "gluttonic" reasons hehe), and feet up in the air for no apparent reason. My shoulder hurts a lot from the position i was in when i was asleep and i kept on yawning that makes my nose grow big. sheesh. talk about major mutation. I morphed into something my mother would call "a disaster"... or is it "hopeless" ... i think i remember her saying I'm born "a disaster" and I've mastered the sophistication of being "a headache" -- what can i say? --patience is a virtue, the main virtue that regulate mothers and their impulses to choke their children in their height of tantrums. I'm sensitive though. I may not be emotional sometimes but a good drama flick can make me soggy -- someone dies in the movie and i bawl. I connect. I try to not disturb people (except for very few close ones). I seldom contradict (unless you're really asking for it). I sympathize. and lastly, i'm nobody's pain in the ass except for those people who loves me. *smiles.

ask me.

Rain is heavy and is making me more reflective than usual. 

Heavy rains do that.  I like the pitter patter rythm it creates as I silently hum it inside my head.  and yes, as usual, I stare at my wall to the point of almost burning a hole into it.  

I am twenty-five and as I look back in my life, I've pretty much accomplished what I wanted to accomplish.  In fact, I always get what I want, despite the complicated chains of relationships and choices that I tie myself with.

So what else do I want? 

 What is there to do? 

What am I to do with my life?

I could easily answer those -with a quick, superficial, and thoughtless reaction in verbal translations.  It is so easy to get carried away and in the course of answering those questions -- it is, as always, so easy to forget the reason of asking them in the first place.

but --- what is the REAL question?

am I asking myself the right ones?   

Am i concerning myself with the issues that must be prioritize? 

is it worth it?

Four years of Philosophy  -- and still, critical thinking on my part requires effort.  

The convenience of common understanding and stock social definitions are so conveniently within reach that I have to disengage myself - and disengage so in a very frustrating way to be effective even in my personal reflections.  

My prejudice of things and the past knowledge that I have - both voluntarily and involuntarily - acquired is just making it hard for me to see things in its naked truth.

And so with my life as I question it, I cannot help but look back and define me with my past experiences and choices --- but is that all there is to me and my life? 

Am I to be defined by my past and is hopelessly bound to be molded through and through by my future? 

Will I always be an unfinished present project of the universe-- wrecking havoc and change as I grow and consume life the way I am doing so right now? -- or am I, really?

In college, I've dreamt of social change and I've worked for it through my arts.  I've learned to bend my body to adjust to the social curriculum of my community.  I've learned to flick my fingers at the beating of the drum as I find my rythm and balance in this social dance I was born into.  And as I listen to the music, as I watch the people gaping and in awe with my movements, as I felt the hot lights burning my skin... I noticed that they cannot see beyond the stage.  

They loved my dance but they do not care to understand what it is for. 

They follow my steps but stays only with the groove they are familiar with.  

Anything new, anything strange -- anything they do not know -- they see as dangerous.

And as the beat became faster, the steps harder, and the actions more complicated -- they didn't care to follow.  They stayed in their comfort zone, smiling and clapping -- but nonetheless disengaged at the experience, not caring to join -- not bothering to step in, promising support -- but always at a distance -- feigning sympathy, pretending to know with their textbooks in hand, with memorized theories... with complicated research citations...

How can you understand the rythm of hunger if you haven't experienced starvation? How can you say you know how it feels to be poor when you have an abundant life?

How can you say you care -- when in your eyes -- all you see are strangers doing even stranger things.

Yes, some changes happened -- some social shake here and there that rocked the arrogant struture and composition of certain institutions.  but then again -- it was but a little pebble that created a series of ripples in the pool of tears... 

My performance has come to an end -- and as the lights died down...as I took my bow, as I see them leave -- I found my dance to be shallow -- and I found myself asking -- "did I do the right thing?"

All these doubts -- all these concerns--- all these questions, for a certain, cannot be answered on my own.  Like the rain, it needs the earth to catch it. The water needs to kiss the soil, to flow within the roots of every tree, to be savored by every being, to round the grounds back and forth till it evaporates itself to become it once was...a dripping liquid phase of life.

one's questions  must then be like rain. 

fluid and ever flowing...

because -- Baseless questions can hurt the soul.

Unanswered queries can burn the mind. 

the Wrong type of asking  can only bury one in doubt... 

Redundant ones hardens the heart...

So what do I want? Where do I begin? What to do? 

**Looking -- waiting -- so far -- no answers are in sight.

*Sigh.

you're sorry? ok, now what?

Ever notice how a couple fight over something as simple as a glass of water? Or how the woman just fumes when the husband mentions a very common word? You see, it's not the glass of water, it's not the word, it's not even the husband...it's that hurt triggered to surface, transforming into anger.

The hurt is buried deeper than it should-- making one bleed even more when one tries to get it out.  Because when the wound was fresh, you try to cover it too much with pleasing words, you try to dismiss it -- and you pretend it didn't happen -- even before it has gotten the satisfaction it needs in a certain discussion.  

I can feel the steaming heat of a certain supressed anger just as if it is my own in certain people.  I've always had this keen sense of character and feeling.don't ask me, i just do.

but when I get hurt, my sensitivity to other people's aura becomes numb. 

It becomes a sensitivity to myself...where everything I think and feel is geared towards thinking why this certain person has managed to hurt me.

so, the word sorry, when said, when one is hurt, doesn't really mean anything...

it's like poking someone with a knife to know if they'd bleed-- they didn't --but they are dying because of it...

believe me, the knife you thrusted hurt -- and when you pull it back..it will even hurt more -- probably resulting to death...

so yeah -- you can always get a doctor to save the person -- but you see, you already knifed her-- she may live, but she will always look at you as someone who tried to kill her.

i mean, -- well here's another scenario -- 

your bestfriend becomes a murderer.

She tries to kill you. you live.

Will you still call her and update her that you are home from the hospital and it's chika time? NOOO... 

but she is your bestfriend!!! of many years?! the answer would be NOOOO -- she tried to killed you remember?. 

But she's THE BESTFRIEND --- well - duh.

if u think otherwise...there is something seriously wrong with u.

am i making sense? yes? good.  -- no? better, it means you're getting smarter.

Anyways, There is this one forum that discussed about saying sorry - if its a big deal or not...

my first post was this:

saying sorry doesnt change anything.

it cannot erase the past.

it cannot heal the hurting.

it's just a word losers use just so they could sleep better at night after what they've done. 

then someone pm'd me, saying that yes, sorry cannot heal the hurt, change the past, and it will not change anything -- and maybe that's becuase sorry is not really about it at all? 

**my thoughts -- well, what then is saying sorry about? aren't you saying sorry because you've hurt the other and is trying to mend her broken heart and gain her trust again?

then he added -  that maybe its about this -- whenever he says sorry, it's because he regrets eveyrthing he's done ---

*my thoughts -- well, maybe you should then say sorry to YOURSELF? since the sorry is actually about you and what you've done and how you feel about it now that you've hurt someone... (?)

he adds - that it hurts him too whenever he says sorry...

**my thoughts -- (what the frick...)

(*sigh) i don't know the guy and he was nice as hell in his message - but I so want to strangle his horns and slap his face and say - 

halllllerrrrr??!!!!

you're hurting?! just what do you think the other person feels then when it's actually THEM who felt the blow of YOUR STUPIDITY?! 

but i didnt --aside from the fact that it was just a message and I dont really know him and so i cannot gauge his horn if its something i can grab on to....whenever the situation to de-bull him arises --- he doesn't really deserve it hehehe.

he is just someone nice, passing by, cared enough to pitch in his thoughts, means well...it just happened that he messaged the wrong person -- because the biatch who received it feels strongly about the subject **Evil Laugh. 

but here comes the bomb line of his message - Was I just being a jerk who's trying to clear myselft of guilt?

so of cource the biatch has to reply :

... to be in a situation is a choice..you've chosen to hurt -- and yes, saying sorry hurts too. that then makes you think -- maybe you are not the person that you once think you are. 

yes, nobody is perfect, but in a relationship, the only acceptable sorry is when you've hurt the other person because u loved her too much....  

saying sorry about going astray in a relationship is bull...because it takes time to know other people... to like them...it is a process..a slow, intricate one...a process you could have stopped anytime but havent...but you can always say sorry -- but she doesnt always have to accept it, just as you've had the choice of stopping urself but didn't until someone got hurt.  

so, were you being a jerk? you tell me.

ladies and gentlemen, I rest my case.