Tuesday, November 06, 2007

brain farts, devolution, alcohol & chocolates

i have writer's block and i so much want to write about something right now.

I want to write something that is really interesting, like the soon-to-be stigmata experience of my neighbor who's been playing carpenter the whole week...just waiting for him to hit the nail on one of his palms to speed the process up -- yes, all the pounding is getting into my nerves and makes my left eye twitch.

I want to write something beautiful -- a sunset, a sunrise, or Ms. Earth contestants in their bikinis while they are frolicking.

I need something and I want it now! I need a brain fart! not the type that my partner had some years ago when we were being intimate and he called me using his ex's name. what the *&%$#!!! everytime i remember that, i wish earth would spin so hard enough to shake his brains out or a plane would crash down on him - whichever comes first.

How on earth can someone do that to someone they claim they love? And no matter how I shake my head to analyze why the hell would he call me that, I have no earthly way of explaining how stupid can one get to have a brain fart like that. But it's a fart to begin with --you cannot stop farts. It's a phenomenon that inserts itself in situations where it is not welcome, like your annoying neighbor. A phenomenon of releasing gas to give life to plants and is bound to kill your housemates in the process. I'm the housemate, now who's the plant? his ex probably.

If you look closely, fart is like alcohol. It makes one regress or if you're familiar with Darwin's theory, the evolution -- well think of it as the opposite of that. First stage is that you lose you're rationality, you scream things and you suddenly realize a vocabulary you never knew existed. You mutter gibberish and you shamelessly put urself in a center of an embarrassing spectacle of cussing and running around and being wild, which reminds me of people in politics these days. Second stage, You can't run, you stay in the corner, but you can still mutter, and you helplessly do stuff that really makes sense to you -- but seemingly weird to others, the simian stage. Third is the reptile stage, you can't stand, anymore, you crawl and wishes you know what to wish for. The last stage, you just freeze, you become a rock.

The differences between alcohol and fart (not regression and evolution) is that, first, with alcohol, you do it to yourself, with fart, you do it to others. Second, being drunk takes more time than getting farted. Third, you don't get hangover from farts...but it does makes you dizzy though.And fourth, alcohol you can avoid while there is no human possible way to avoid farting, and if ever you did, you'd have bad breath...or something.

Judging from what you have to experience if you drink, I say, chocolates is better. If one gets depressed, i say, grab a bar of chocolate than a bottle of alcohol. Chocolates can give yout he same effect as love. It can give you zits. But the best thing is, unlike your partner, it cannot nag, it doesn't have brain farts, it willingly submits itself to be bitten and chewed, plus it is always sweet. Yeah, you get fat, but it won't insult you in the face, telling you to lose weight. Unlike with your partner where you sometimes don't know what the real score is, with chocolates, you know exactly when to stop, it's either because of a toothache or you pants don't fit anymore.

Haaaay, don't mind me, I'm just being bitter.


steven wilson said...

sounds if someone is maybe a wee bit bored or just ranting of sorts.either way you caught my attention for the read.

Take care

13thWiTCH said...

how can u read me like that. hehehe! nailed it on the head. either of the tow is appropriate ^.^

BillyWarhol said...

oh god thass Hilarious!!!! U hit a BULLSEYE with that one 13!! ;)) Rock On Girl!! i had a few Beers tonight + some Wild stuff went down but that also made my Night!!

;)) xoxo


BillyWarhol said...

Hey yer supposed to be The French Maid in this household Miss Fluffy*


13thWiTCH said...

life is unfair...just like having a wife while they step on your balls. *evil laugh