Thursday, December 20, 2007

Third World Driving Tips and Hints Part 2

Part two of the driving tips and hints by PJ O'rourke.
**pictures are not mine but was randomly taken from the google search engine.

Animals in the right of way
As a rule of thumb, you should slow down for donkeys, speed up for goats, and stop for cows. Donkeys will get out of your way eventually, and so will pedestrians. But never actually stop for either of them or they'll take advantage, especially the pedestrians. If you stop in the middle of a crowd of Third World pedestrians, you'll be bying Chiclets and bogus antiquities for days.

Drive like hell through the goats. It's almost impossible to hit a goat. On the othe rhand, it's almost impossible to not hit a cow. Cows are immune to horn-honking, shouting, swats with sticks, and taps on the hind quarters with the bumper. The only thing you can do to make a cow move is swerve to avoid it, which will make the cow move in front of ou with lightning speed.

Actually the most dangerous animals are the chickens. In the United States, when you a ball roll into the street, you hit your brakes becuase you know the next thing you'll see is a kid chasing it. In the Third World country, it's not hte balls the kids are chasing, but the chickens. Are they practicing punt returns with a leghorn? Dribbling it? Playing stick-hen? I odn't know. But Third World Wonders are remarkable fond of their chicken and, also, their children (population problems notwithstanding). If you hit one or both, they may survive. But you will not.

Never look where you're going -- you'll only scare yourself. Nonetheless, try to avoud collisions. There are bound to be more people in that bus, truck or even on that Moped than there are in your car. At best, you'll be screamed deaf. And if the police do happen to be around, standard procedure is to throw everyone in jail regardless of fault. This is done to forestall blood feuds, which are a popular hobby in many of these places. Remember the American consul is very busy fretting about that Marxist insurrection, and it may be months before he comes to visit.

If you do have an accident, the only thing to do is go on the offensive. Throw big wads of American money at everyone, and hope for the best.

Safety Tips
One nice thing about the Third World, you don't have to fasten your safety belt (or stop smoking. Or cut down on saturated fats.) It takes a lot off your mind when average life expectancy is forty-fie minutes.

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